Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
These tits shall not be calmed
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
