just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
