In the future we'll all be gay
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
