i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
