Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
