So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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