its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
