I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
