if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
