I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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