good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
