I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
