He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
