omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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