This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
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he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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