woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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