And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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