She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
