And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
