how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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