I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
