i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
