Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
