I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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