woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
