You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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