what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
