i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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