I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
