She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
