Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.