I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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