a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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