Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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