i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
