you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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