If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
