So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
