I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
