I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
