Me too!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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