life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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