dude i'm inner monologue high
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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