in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
