I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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