T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
