sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
