I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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