I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
