You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
