Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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