I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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