Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just found a bag of teeth...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
