I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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