He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
