I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
