i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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