Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
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The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
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Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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